Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
