...so i touched it.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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