i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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