I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
