When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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