I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
