Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
