that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
