how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
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I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
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you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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