no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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