ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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