I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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