I accidentally burped into my bong.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
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I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
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Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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