he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
