have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
