Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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