I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
