someone threw a dead crab at me
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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