i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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