they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
