So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
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