I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
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A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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