When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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