Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
