I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
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She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
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Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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