I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
