i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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