I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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