You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
