Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
