At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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