Plan B is the new Plan A
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
