I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
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It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
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In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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