im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
