the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
