I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
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oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
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No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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