the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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