i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
