I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
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He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
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You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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