I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
There's always time for handjobs
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
