When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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