Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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