apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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