In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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