I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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