we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
