I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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