she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
