two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
