There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
