Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
