You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
