i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
