I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I currently don't understand fingers.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
