alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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