I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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